


Patience of a Saint

by neverwinter (KingPreussen)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Attempt at Humor, Gen, Stealth Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 18:59:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingPreussen/pseuds/neverwinter
Summary: Taako has a temper tantrum. Everyone else is very unhelpful. Lucretia is long-suffering.





	Patience of a Saint

**Author's Note:**

> this one requires some explanation
> 
> it crosses over (to some extent) with metalocalypse, pretty much my favorite show ever since like 2010. if you havent watched it, the most important thing to know is the band the show is about is so super famous and good at music that they have legions of fans willing to die for them who basically sign up to become their slaves. they were ordained by gods/are gods and are also childish morons
> 
> this is a 1:1 (give or take) copy of a few scenes out of an episode that just made me think of the bureau ([part 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Apv_jHz0sVk) [part 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGY8Uk7d5b4) [part 3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkOaR8XCieU)). i basically wrote this story because, while i can animate, i cant draw, so i cant do like... an animatic of this. i encourage you to watch them and just imagine the characters pasted over them lol
> 
> if you can get the first episode (i watch them on hulu but you have to pay to see them) then watch that to see if youd be interested in the show... its very, extremely violent and gory, so if you cant handle that then maybe not
> 
> i wrote it all in like 20 minutes and didnt really think everything through so when i do more some stuff might change
> 
> tl;dr i want to write more adventure zone/metalocalypse but im just gauging interest right now ( _not_ exact transcripts next time). even if theres none im gonna keep going tho lmao and probably age up angus by five years

"How did this happen!?" Taako shouted.

Lucretia very carefully didn't sigh. She was used to Taako--or any of the five really, sans Angus--bursting into her office at all hours to shout. Letting them work it out themselves was usually the best way to handle it.

"It's my fucking band out there and they're--indie!?" Taako swiped a lamp off of Lucretia's desk and she didn't even flinch when it shattered. 

"Well, Taako, I hate to tell you but you don't actually _own_ the name of your last band," Lucretia explained patiently.

"Why not!? How did you let that happen?"

Lucretia sat back in her chair a bit. "The band existed before you got there, and I didn't represent you then. But I assure you it wouldn't have happened--"

"Well fuck that, dude! They're indie!" Another lamp crashed to the floor.

Lucretia took a deep breath. "Could you please stop breaking my good lamps? Break those. They're from IKEA." She pointed to the shelf of cheap lamps on the other side of her office.

"Oh, uh, these ones?" Taako lifted one carefully, as if checking it's weight. "You really got a lot of lamps in here."

"I find that lighting is important. It creates a nice atmosphere--"

Taako smashed the lamp on the ground with a frustrated, wordless cry. "And the whole thing that gets me is that, they've got a new singer, like who the fuck is that dildo? He's like a cheap, crappy knockoff, you know!? And he changed 'em! It's like those guys are brainwashed!" Taako's tight, stiff shoulders dropped, defeated. "If I could just talk to them…."

Lucretia paused and thought over her words before she said them. "Well, you can't, Taako. They have a restraining order against you."

"A restraining order!?" Taako screamed. "Fucking sneaky indie cocksucker!" He knocked another lamp to the floor.

Lucretia pushed the intercom button on her desk. "Can we get some more lamps in here, please? The cheap ones, thank you."

Angus stepped into the room from the hallway through the open door just as another lamp shattered. "Hi ma'am, sir! Who's breaking all these lamps? I want to break some!"

"They're bringing in more, Angus," Lucretia offered helpfully.

"Ango, they're bringing in more," Taako said.

"Hey, hey!" Merle came in, a determined look on his face. "Hey, all this band stuff had me thinking that, I've got some legal questions about my side band. You know, Extreme Teen Bible?"

Lucretia folded her hands together on top of her desk. "Do you think you could wait? We're in the middle of a meeting here--"

Merle's mouth twisted disbelievingly. "What are you meeting about? Lamps?"

Taako threw another lamp.

"I get it, I get it! Don't worry about Merle, it doesn't matter!" Merle rolled his eyes. "No, I don't have a problem!" Another crash. "Just look right past me!"

Lucretia rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Alright, alright. What do you want?"

Merle significantly calmed, like _Lucretia_ was the one who was getting loud. "I just want to talk about the future of Extreme Teen Bible, you know--" Angus smashed a lamp. "--So I don't wake up one day, you know, with my band being fronted by some other asshole, then I'm fucked! You know? That's my--that's my band!"

"Okay," Lucretia interrupted. "Register the name, okay? And we'll get back to--"

"Yeah, I know that stuff! I mean…"

"No," Lucretia interrupted again, "Have you registered the name 'Extreme Teen Bible'?"

"Yeah!" Merle confirmed immediately.

"You have?" Lucretia asked, doubtful.

"I mean, yeah, I will."

Lucretia raised her eyebrows. "Okay! Then--"

"Okay," Merle said.

"Alright. If you don't mind, I was talking with--"

Merle took a step forward. "Hey! Don't blow me off! I got stuff to say!"

Lucretia continued to draw on her infinite patience. "Alright, what do you got?"

Merle seemed surprised that Lucretia acknowledged that. Angus and Taako continued breaking lamps. "Uuuh… uh, I don't kn--I want tee-shirts."

"What?"

"I wanna make some tee-shirts!" Another lamp.

"You want to make 'Extreme Teen Bible' tee-shirts?" Lucretia asked.

"Yeah! Extreme Teen Bible tee-shirts! Tee-shirts are a big seller--"

"Okay, I hear you--"

"It's merch!"

"I hear _you_ ," Lucretia said.

"Yeah."

"We're going to get back to this now. We'll get that done, later, okay?"

"Okay," Merle replied.

"Alright?"

"Better get it done."

"Yes, I agree," Lucretia said firmly. "Get it done."

Merle seemed satisfied. "Okay, why don't you get back to this then, we'll get that done later." He took a step backward, away from Lucretia's desk.

"Thank you," Lucretia said, trying to sound sincere. Angus and Taako didn't let up in smashing lamps. "Yes, alright. We'll do that."

"You're welcome," Merle said. "Help out Taako."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Merle took another step back. "Get this stuff done later." Another lamp shattered. "You concentrate on--the first thing--do that now, get my stuff later. I'll take a back seat--"

"Thank you, that's very expansive of you." Another lamp crashed.

"Well, you know." Merle lifted a hand, trying to look humble. "Team player, team player."

"Alright. Back to this now."

"But we will meet later."

"Yes."

"About those tee-shirts."

"Yes, we will. Get those tee-shirts--"

"Yeah. A lot of other issues too, but you--you just. Get in there."

"Alright. Are we done?"

Merle nodded. "Yeah. 'Till later."

"Yes, until later."

An employee came in with a cardboard box full of lamps. "Your lamps, ma'am," he said to Lucretia.

"Oh, here, sorry. Gimmie one," Taako said.

"Oh, me too!" said Angus excitedly.

"Give him one."

Angus immediately threw it on the floor. "Take that, you stupid lamp!"

"Uh, excuse me?" Lup said, walking into the room with Magnus at her side. "We've been talking, uh, and you know--"

"We wanna know who owns the name 'Balance'," Magnus said.

Lucretia sighed. "Guys, I'm in a meeting right now. If you don't mind I'd like you to come back--"

Magnus looked purposefully around the room. "What are you meeting about?" he asked, intercut with Taako throwing a lamp at the floor. "Lamps?"

"Well, partially, but--"

"How come we weren't invited to the lamp meeting, huh?" Lup said angrily. "See? This always happens! We get excluded!"

"It's not really a lamp meeting, Lup, and if it were, I'd invite you," Lucretia said.

"See," Lup said, "That's all I want to know."

"Hey, who owns the name 'Balance'?" Magnus asked again.

"Yeah!" Lup interjected, even more riled up.

"Well, everyone, you should know this one. It's very easy," Lucretia encouraged.

Angus paused in the act of throwing another lamp. "Um, you?" he asked. He threw the lamp. "You own it?"

"You all do," Lucretia answered her own prompt. "The five of you own the name of your band."

They were all quiet for a moment. "That's good!" Angus said.

"Oh thank god!" Magnus said, while Merle muttered, "Finally, something in our favor." 

"You know what? Fuck this, alright!" Taako shouted at the room. "I'm fucking pissed off!" Angus smashed another lamp, emphatically. "Fuck indie and fuck the restraining order! I gotta talk to those guys!"

Lucretia frowned at him. "I would advise against it. Don't go over there--"

"Fuck that!" Taako threw more lamps. "I'm going! Where are they now?"

The five of them talked over each other for another full minute before Lucretia stepped in, for her own sanity. "They're in Goldcliff," she said. Taako dropped another lamp.

**Author's Note:**

> oh and also, what band do you think they would be? i dont want to do dethklok, cause thats too heavy for them (even though its a great band). so what rock/alternative band do you think the five of them would be in?


End file.
